While the whole world sleeps...

Well not the whole world, just my world. My 3 A's are all bundled up in their beds taking a nap. I hope. It's quiet, so I assume they are actually going to nap this time. But they've been known to stuff towels under the door to muffle their maddness. Tricky Hobbits.

Big A made it back in one piece from DC. Didn't rain, sleet or snow up there, despite my evil incantations. But he did say that he had a horrible time (lie!) because he was worried about us. The days following Saturday ended up being uneventful. No hospital visits, no major melt downs, no tantrums. I was still worn out though. Again, I give it up to you single super mommas out there. Because I had no one to bitch to (that's usually Big A's job, to listen) I started to become numb. I felt on auto pilot emotionally. Every time he called I would rush to get off the phone because I didn't want to really ruin his trip with my bullshit.Yet, I found solace in blaming him for not being here to help me. It got me through my day. I channeled all my weakness into hate and was amazed at how much more energy I had to give to the A's when it was dinner time. Doesn't that sound ass backwards? I was energized by hate... I wonder if that's how it works with the women doing on their own...? By Sunday at midnight I was hatching plans in my head to be MIA on Monday when he arrived. I was going to leave my cellphone home and take the kids to the park, then their Dr's appt, then to the movies, then to lunch, then to Disneyland, then Mars and anything else that I could squeeze into the day to make it longer before we got home. I laid there Sunday on a pallet I made on my Mom's living room floor (we spent the night at her house) morphing all my hate into revenge plans. I wanted him to see what it felt like to be alone. I wanted him to see how important we are. How important I am. Yes, I know and knew that he was fully aware of our importance, but hate is illogical. Mostly, I wanted to avoid making eye contact with him because I wasn't sure if I'd love him the same when he came back. I wasn't sure if I could turn the numbness off. As if love could just turn off like that, right? Basically, I WAS TRIPPIN.

Scorpios are vengeful. We hurt deep for the slightest reasons and we bite back aiming for the throat. You step on my toe and I'll want to cut off your foot. I know this and I try desperately to not give into that feeling. Like I've said in a previous post, there's always a moment...as cliche as it sounds there's always that fork in the road.

Monday morning comes and the A's and I get breakfast to go and eat it at the park. Funny that by Monday I feel in complete control. I managed to get every little body dressed without a fight. Combed three heads of hair (mine included), got out of the house on time and even beat the heat so that breakfast at the play ground was actually enjoyable. I was proud of myself and felt ready to execute the "Make Him Pay" mission.

A little back story here before we continue.

..Oh damn A3 is talking in his crib. Let me try to hurry this up.

Sweat still fresh on our naked bodies. We're tangled in bed. This is previous to marriage, to babies, to even living together. More so, this was the first time we had even had sex. Yes..the conversation will sound strange to you because I haven't told you the back back back story about how we met. Or the forward forward story about how I moved from Boston to Baltimore to be with him only 1 month after this conversation. But one day I will...

Me: I want a baby.
Big A: A baby?
Me: A baby....with you.

I remember him pausing. His hands were behind his head. I was laying on his chest. This is a vivid memory. He was staring at the ceiling. His free hand was cradling me close.

Big A: Would you ever take my child away from me?
Me: Of course not, that's when I would need you most.
Big A: Okay then, let's do it.

And so began the year long hump-a-thon to make A1.

I tell this back story because you need to understand what I understood sitting at the playground watching A1 and A2 chase each other around the play structure, and while I watched A3 waddle through groups of 5 & 6 year olds who don't look down when they run. Big A lives for his kids. They are the reason he comes straight home from work. The butterflies in his stomach when he pulls around the corner. His children are his world. His main concern has always been "don't take my kids away from me"....and here I was ready to unleash the beast and disappear for a few hours in limbo unable to be reached on the day he just gets back into town from missing his kids for 4 days.

I knew this and still I decided to go along with my idea. After the park was the doctor's office to check on A3's breathing. If we got the all clear, we were headed out to do any and every thing I could think of. And so it was...we got the clear! It was almost 12:00PM, and Big A's plane was set to arrive at 12:40. I promised the girls we'd get milkshakes if they didn't tear down the exam room and they didn't so we were in the drive thru of Arby's to fulfill my bribe. Driving off, everyone was smiles. First stop was going to be the movies to watch Surf's Up (which I didn't like!) and stuff our bodies with popcorn and skittles.

Then the moment hit me, before even leaving the parking lot. I am about to hurt the person who I promised to never hurt. This action could cause a permanent riff between us. This "mission" could be the one doesn't end, like Iraq. <-- that was a forced analogy, I apologize. But yeah, I always said I would rather myself hurt than to every see him hurt. And I never wanted to be that baby momma who withheld her kids as ransom to get back at the father for not doing what she wanted.

So..we ended up driving to the airport. We were there when he walked out behind the security blockade. I swear I saw him well up at the sight of us. He wasn't expecting us to be there. He had his car in the overnight parking garage, so he thought he'd just see us at home. He told me later that he had hoped we'd be there. I later told him what I was going to do....because that's who we are. Open and honest about even the ugly shit.

Everything I felt, every ill feeling I harbored, melted the minute I saw him walk down the stairs. He was not this horrible absentee father who left me to take care of everything on my own over the weekend. He was the man I married. The man I fell in love with in one conversation 7 years ago. He was the father I wish I had. The man who just went on a well deserved mini vacation. Again, I was trippin. I watched the girls run up to him screaming "Daddy!", A3 tried to run but ended up falling, pushing himself back up and walking up to Big A's leg with his arms stretched upwards. Big A knelled down and had three kids wrapped around him, taking up all his space. What a beautiful sight it was. A father and his children. We were all together again and suddenly in a flash everything was right.

There's always a moment. And I'm glad I chose the kids over my selfishness because we ended up having an incredible day at the movies with Big A.

Of course I want to write something to all the mothers out there who are using children as pawns to teach their fathers' a lesson...of course I wanna plead with you to make it right and make it work somehow for the babies because they don't know nor are they interested in what YOUR issue is with him. Of course, I want to tell you that every child deserves the right to decide for themselves whether they want their father in their lives or not...they deserve the right to see and judge their fathers under their own circumstances and not with your eyes and words and your experience. Of course I want to say all that...but I know it doesn't make a difference to hear it...and sometimes there are other circumstances. But..if you can...think beyond that moment. And think beyond the hurt.

Message!

Hahaha.

You must know that I am a knows-it-all and will try to give everyone advice. You don't gotta adhere to it..just hear me out.

Update: A3 went back to sleep and the girls have come out twice already, with non-sleeping eyes, to ask if its "morning time yet"...I predict that I have about 3 more minutes of me time. Whatever shall I do with myself?